there I am

A couple weeks ago on a Saturday morning, I left the house...all by myself, dressed and put together, and got myself over to Caribou Coffee. Can I just say, the East Coast doesn't know what it's missing here? It's rustic and cozy, not to mention the super yummy coffee drinks. AND it's less than 5 minutes from my house.

I walked into that coffee shop, smelled the amazing smells, didn't check to make sure I had the boy, the baby, and the diaper bag, and thought...

There I am.

It's been a while. Since I've felt the most myself. It's true, things have changed. I'm not responsible for just me anymore. I have a husband and two children whom I love dearly, and with whom I am grateful to get to spend my days with. But in the midst of those many hours of the day (and night) catering to their every need, I have lost track of where Summer is.

That's partly why I wake at 5am, even after very broken, child-tending sleep, because I need a couple hours in the quiet, all to myself, before the circus begins again and the quiet waits another 12 hours to settle.

It's HARD. I know these young years will go quickly, and I want to enjoy my children at this age, and I know I will look back and miss this time. But going through it? As a very selfish person? It's not pretty much of the time. It's constantly dying to myself and laying my desires down so I can fix the wheels on the toy car and keep her away from his blocks and remove that paper/cardboard/lint/string from her mouth (again) and prepare meal after meal after meal and NOT wish they were ages 8 and 5.

I get snippets. Last night I heard them giggling as they crawled after each other under the dining room table. She now gestures so big when asked how big she is, and it's just about the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. He wants to watch "the shark one EVERY day! [He] could watch it all the days! It's [his] FAVORITE!!!!!" with flailing arms to match and I don't know where he possibly got all that drama.

So maybe this is me now? Without endless hours to focus on myself, but understanding sacrifice a little better than when I was 22. Learning what it means to really serve. And my heart fuller than I could have imagined.

But I'll still take those solo dates to Caribou, thankyouverymuch.